Bullying is an increasing problem in today’s society, and as a parent you may have thought about what you might do if your child was ever bullied. But have you ever considered the other alternative? How do you react when your child is the bully?

If someone tells you that your child is a bully or you witness it for yourself, it can come as a huge shock. It is natural to feel like you need to defend him or his behavior, or even get angry that another person would accuse him of bullying.

It is important, however, to stay calm and objective. It is important to look at the facts of the situation and try to understand how to correct it, and getting upset will impede your ability to do so.

If another parent tells you that your child is bullying theirs, they are likely to be upset, which is even more reason for you to keep your cool. Hear them out and try to discuss the issue calmly. Assure them that if your child is behaving like a bully you intend to do something about it.

Don’t lash out at your child, either. It may be a complete misunderstanding. You need to try to understand the situation from the point of view of everyone involved, including your child. Figure out a plan before you address the problem with your child. Hear them out, have an open conversation and don’t jump to conclusions.

The first step once you’ve ascertained that your child is bullying others is, of course, discipline. It’s important not to get angry, but rather stress the reason for the punishment and what he could have done differently.

The punishment will depend on the severity of the bullying, the age of your child, and the situation in which the bullying took place. For example, if your child was sending mean messages to someone online, ban them from using the computer for anything but school for a period of time.

Whatever punishment you deem appropriate for your child, make sure it is consistent and that your child knows what the consequences for future bullying will be. Make it very clear that this behavior will not be tolerated.

There can be any number of underlying reasons that lead your child to bully others. Bullies often have insecurities or low self-esteem and so pick on others to make themselves feel better. Sometimes bullying stems from a lack of social skills. Your child gets upset or angry and doesn’t know another way to handle these emotions. It could be a lack of empathy that leads your child to bully others; he doesn’t think about how his words and actions make others feel, or doesn’t know how to handle people who look, speak, or act different from him.

If it’s insecurity that turns your child into a bully, try helping him find a hobby or activity that he enjoys and excels at. The confidence he gains from this will help him feel better about himself and lessen his need to pick on others.

Talk about alternative behaviors that your child can use instead of bullying. The next time he gets upset or angry because things don’t go his way, encourage him to just walk away rather than reacting aggressively. Praise him when he chooses to avoid confrontation rather than bullying.

If your child picks on someone who is different from him, discuss the ways in which everyone is different, but we all have feelings and deserve to be treated with respect. Ask him how he would feel if he was the one being bullied.

Most of all, create an environment free of aggression and hostility. Don’t allow your children to bully each other at home, and don’t allow destructive criticism. Ask teachers, the school counselor, or the principal for help with dealing with your child’s aggressive behavior.

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